I am guilty!
Guilty of consuming more than I’ve been creating. I am ashamed to admit it, but it’s true. I finally grabbed my MacBook with a purpose tonight. While I wait for the hot water to boil for my green tea. I got a new creamer that I absolutely love! And, Yes! I put creamer in my green tea. Force of habit that I picked up from my mom.
My son is down most nights by 8:30/ 9pm the latest! Like he is tonight. He came back from his dad’s so tired. For the first time he cried when I got him in the car from his dad. I was like “why are you crying?” He responded, “I just missed you so much!” Like? Talk about sobbing. I was not expecting that. I too was a product of “parenting time” with my dad. It was the worst! My step mom was okay, just super quiet. No one was around or concerned whether we washed our ass most days. It was hella loud. We hardly did anything over there. My son expresses the same sentiments and he’s 5. It sucks that things have to be this way for him. I just pride myself on being a safe place for him when he’s with me. When he’s away, I just pray he’s safe and having fun. I can only control the things that I can control.
I still cannot understand why I haven’t been creating though. I’ve been doing my socials here and there. My screen time has been lower. I’ve been reading some good books! I actually just finished one about this girl who was stranded on an island with a rapper.
BRB. My tea kettle is whistling and I don’t want to wake up my entire apartment building with the whistle.
I’m back.
This reminds me of when I used to be on AIM all day! Back in the day. I’m going to blog more in my most authentic style. I want my posts to be raw and uncut. I own this platform so why do I insist on filtering my own thoughts? I used to care deeply about how the world perceived me. Ever since my mom passed, I don’t give a care in the world. What could be worse than losing a parent? I’ve lost a major part of my world what is another hater going to do? How can that scare me in anyway? I need a platform where I can be myself anyway. I want to post my stories and ideas here. I don’t care who gets offended.
I applied to a reformer studio today as a front desk person. Fun fact: Last summer was my first summer not working summer school and It was lovely! I need that summer break. I was on the verge of a major teacher burn out. Glad I was able to toggle the way I did because where I am now… legit cake. A part-time beneficial job though?? Boom… It Pays about $15 an hour. Which isn’t much, but I have a main job. If hired though, I could basically get a free membership. I think that’s cool as hell. I would love to be an instructor or some sort. I’m not super flexible. Or should I say I don’t stretch as much as I probably should. In this training block for my upcoming races I really want to work on my calisthenics and become hella flexible. Who knows, maybe open up my own studio or something one day. I want a business but it would have to be something I couldn’t/ wouldn’t get tired of! I love fitness and If I love something like this why not?! Maybe one day. I think one day being an instructor would be cool to try though forreal. I love teaching anyway. Why not teach adults how to be fit? So this job, if hired, could really be a stepping stone to something! Who knows?
I just need a husband that will help support my dream. BLEHH can’t believe I said that. I don’t really need a man. It would be nice. Every man right now gives me the major Ick! I’ve cut off my entire roster before 2025 even ended. I have basically no man standing because they all as a collective, as a species, get on my last nerves. I did have a really good friend of mine, that I have always referred to as the love of my life, come and supported me in my first 8k and he ran it too. It was his first race ever. This was cute and very flattering as I typically run by myself. To have someone willing put themselves into my world was such a loving gesture to me. Most men aren’t doing that. They want you to do whatever it is he likes but most never even want to get to know the real me. Let alone get to know me for me without passing judgement. After the race he even thanked me for bringing him into my world because now he is hooked. It was nice running with friends that you love!
Which brings me back to why have I been consuming more than I’ve been creating? I love writing. It’s a passion of mine. I’m good at it. I went to school for it. Recently I applied for my Masters so that I can continue to write because it is honestly something that I absolutely love. I know why! It’s because ya girl has been booked and busy! Oh yeah, I’m the proud sponsor of a student-led bookclub at work. I’ve been consuming more than I’ve been creating. I’ve been overthinking and second guessing. I’ve been self-doubting and making up excuses. I know I have the potential to be great and write great things. It’s them damn phones. I made a tiktok the other day about how sometimes the healthiest thing that you can do in lif is put that dame phone down and actually get out here and live. That’s exactly what I intend to do. I want to travel. Write a book. Go back to school. Get a side hustle that I can pour into. I have to show up for myself just as much as I show up for others. Me pulling out my MacBook tonight instead of constantly doom scrolling was all I needed to have a great nightly writing session. I needed this more than I thought I did. Here’s to creating more than I consume.