I don’t know if it’s because of me turning 31, being a mommiana, teaching middle schoolers that could care less, or just life lifing, but I can honestly feel a major shift happening in me physically, mentally, and emotionally. And forreal forreal? It’s overdue.
I’m tired. Not just sleepy, burnt out. Not just bored, restless. Not just lonely, ready. And I finally decided:
I’m not apologizing for putting myself first anymore. This is about me now. Let me break it down:
Physically: Burnt Out, But not Broken
This teacher is BURNT OUT. Not just tired. Completely burnt OUT. I’ve been feeling burnt out with teaching middle school for the vast majority of the school year. I was counting down to the last day of school since Christmas break. That’s just sad. I am not ashamed about it though. lol. I’ve landed a high school position for the next school year and words cannot express how excited I am!! I am ready for a change of scenery. I’m nervous for the new-ness but I know I am exactly where I am intended to be! AND for the first time in four years I will NOT be teaching summer school! <–THIS is major for me as I have always been an advocate of teaching summer school. Gone are the days!! For the summer, to recharge myself, I will be relaxing and pouring into me! I will be sitting poolside or at the beach reading a book, drinking a mocktail. I also want to get back into running. That is such a calming and relaxing activity for me. I’ve always enjoyed running. I picked it back up this year, but my shoes were trash and made these old bones hurt. For that reason I will be going to get sized for running shoes tomorrow! I want to fall back in love with running. I’m loving on me the rest of the year.
Mentally: Protecting My Peace at All Times
Mentally? Whew! I am done with being around and communicating with people that aren’t for me. I have been such a great friend to people. I’m a go with the flow, easy going, low maintenance type of friend. But that version of me is retiring, whether people like it or not. Done being the one who always compromises. Done making myself small. I’m 5’10”. Wear a size ten shoe. There’s nothing small about me. Done dimming my light just to keep friendships and relationships afloat.
I’m making my “NO” a full and complete sentence. Without explanation, without guilt, without apologies. I feel like I am truly weeding out the losers in my life. If I seem rude or standoffish, it’s because I am. Mentally I can’t take people anymore.
Emotionally: Lover Girl at Heart, Boundaries on Deck
Emotionally…. It gets lonely sometimes. Not because I’m not loved. I love my son and Mocha with everything in me. I have so much love to give. But I want more. I want a partner, a teammate, someone who brings softness into my life. Someone to rub my feet, hold me when I’m overthinking, pour into me the way I pour into everyone else.
I’m a lover girl at heart. Underneath this strong, independent woman is someone who just wants to be cuddled and cared for. But I’m not running back to familiar just because I’m craving connection. Familiar doesn’t always mean safe. Familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
I’m allowing love to find me, but I’m not sacrificing my peace to chase it. My peace is priceless.
This season of my life is about choosing me. Loudly. Unapologetically. Fully. If you’re here for that, welcome. If you’re not — I wish you well, but you can go.
Here’s to the shift. Here’s to the softness. Here’s to me.